The zombies are invading. Minneapolis has already fallen (see World’s Largest Zombie Pub Crawl) and now they are in my house. Having triplet toddlers might not sound as scary as an episode of The Walking Dead but don’t let their adorable smiles fool you. Do I love them? Yes. Do they have a tendency to make my life a living nightmare? Yes. Mind-melting screams, fits of rage, unprovoked biting, late nights scratching at the door, it’s all happening under my roof. I wake up every morning feeling like the apocalypse arrived and now I must learn to survive in this frightening new world.
My kids were behaving like zombies so I needed zombie survival guidelines. Barricading the door and waiting for the cavalry wasn’t an option, so instead I dove head-first into zombie research. Not your typical source for parenting advice but fear was the mother of my invention. Several volumes of the living dead later, I revisited a modern classic, Zombieland. There on the screen in giant letters were rules and examples even sleep-deprived moms like me could understand. If your kids scare you too, here’s how Zombieland can help:
#1 Cardio – Speed is not your issue. It’s the stamina that will separate the survivors from the next meal on the menu. Perhaps the only thing with more stamina than zombies are toddlers. If you want to out last them you’re gonna need to do more than do laps around the playground.
#2 Double tap – Loose interpretation here, but you absolutely must DOUBLE CHECK EVERYTHING. Do you have enough diapers? Double check. Did you put milk (not coffee) in the bottle? Double check. Are you wearing a matching pair of shoes? Double check.
#3 Beware of Bathrooms – A bathroom break is a completely acceptable (some might say necessary) reprieve from your parental duties. However, if you have more than one child, you must hold it. Your potty break is plenty of time for kids to dissemble the gate, find the Sharpies, and destroy most of your upholstery.
#4 Seat Belts – Upon birth of your child you must become a seatbelt ninja. Whenever you go out, you will be clicking and unclicking at ten times the rate of your childless self so learn to love it.
#5 No Attachments – Every mom needs lots of love and hopefully free babysitting from your closest friends and family. If any of your relationships can’t handle a forgotten birthday (or two) they won’t survive your new, post-apocalyptic life.
#7 Travel Light – If you do manage to leave the house, you’re going to be too busy counting heads to worry about boredom, so leave your junk at home. By junk, I mean anything related to your personal entertainment or hygiene.
#17 Don’t be a hero – There is no super secret prize for the mom who is with her children 24/7 or the one who has the cleanest lampshades. If someone offers to help you, let them. You will thank YOU, and so will your kids.
#18 Limber Up – See Rule #1. Reach for your toes every so often. You never know when the zombies will find your safe house and you can’t afford to pull up lame during the chase.
#22 When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out – Always have an exit strategy. Nobody gets bitten faster than the blonde who locks herself in a room with no other exit. When you venture out with the kiddos, have enough arms and/or stroller seats to carry all your walking dead when they refuse to walk.
#31 Check the Back Seat – It might be scary to see ¾ of last week’s McDonald’s run or a Ninja Turtle leg back there, but you need to know if their “favorite” anything has been swallowed by the crack between the seats.
#32 Enjoy the Little Things – If you follow the rules, there will be moments of reprieve: giggles, kisses, smiles. Eat those up and burn them into your memory.
“I survived by playing it safe and following the rules, my rules.” – Zombieland. I still haven’t figured out how to bring my undead back to the living, but I’m working on it. Next up in the Netflix queue: Warm Bodies.
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