With Love to the Newer Mom of Multiples

To think that I might have some advice to offer mothers of young twins seemed foolish at first. My boys were born at 38 weeks and 3 days and both weighed well north of 6 lbs each. While I gave birth via C-section, both my pregnancy and delivery were much smoother than so many other M.O.M.s. I was able to breastfeed fairly successfully and left the hospital on the same schedule as a mom that just gave birth to a singleton. So to think that I should be equipped to give advice or insight to other moms giving birth to multiples felt dodgy since so much of my initial experience of having a multiple birth with no NICU stay or previous bedrest is often not the norm.

These boys were our first and are our only kids, so take this advice as you will. But also know, that many of our kids will experience very similar milestones despite the adjusted ages of your children and we M.O.M.s will face common issues (although some more than others) despite how our journey with multiples started. Ok, my disclaimer is finished!

First, equip yourself with some definitions so that you are able to confidently address the inquiry of a stranger, and maybe add a little wit if you get more than 3 straight hours of sleep the previous night.

1. Irish Twins – a term that was originally used to mock the fertility of Irish Catholic Families. It really means a pair of siblings born less than 12 months apart, especially in the same calendar year. Thank you Wiktionary for clearing this up! No, your kids born 14 or 15 or 22 months apart are not Irish Twins.

2. Fraternal Twins vs. Identical Twins – let’s not get too medical here, but basically identical twins occur when one egg splits into two identical halves. Fraternal twins occur when two separate eggs are fertilized by two separate sperm. Basically two siblings with the same birthdate. Oh, and identical twins apparently happen for no real reason, where fraternal twins could result from a variety of different factors.

Second, every new Mom of Multiples should find a reliable babysitter that is not a family member, if at all possible. I know, I know – the money, but hold on for that. My recommendation is to seek out a caregiver that already works in a childcare facility and has experience with infants or toddlers. If you do not have connections to a daycare facility, find a trusted friend who does, and seek out their referral. You will feel more comfortable leaving your kiddos behind with someone who has lots of experience with watching more than one child of the same age at the same time.

Now here is my real piece of advice as it relates to babysitters. If you are going to pay $10 or more per hour, you might as well use that time and that precious money wisely. When our boys were babies, we often did our date night, as an afternoon out, since this was just about that time of day when I felt pushed to the brink. We would leave just shortly before afternoon naps would end, and would be home around 7:30 or 8 after our kiddos were just tucked into bed. We were too tired to head out late and would rather have been home relaxing at that stage, so we really enjoyed the modified date night schedule.

Third, understand when man-on-man defense is a non-negotiable. What I mean is, set standards as to when you as a mom will simply not take on some activity without the help of another capable adult. Yes, there is a sense of pride in knowing that you are skilled at getting out of the house on your own with two young ones, but there are times that you might need and deserve a full second set of hands.

One such outing I strongly encourage you to not do alone is your babies’ well-child visits if at all possible. So much is covered about important milestones, behavior challenges and other details about your child’s well-being. It is so important to be able to focus and not feel overwhelmed or outnumbered, and it is often a great opportunity to get the family back on the same page again with certain parenting topics.

Finally, do what works for you, stop comparing yourself to friends, co-workers, Facebook acquaintances, etc. and try to reduce the guilt. I write this advice down as a reminder still to myself. I admit I am very hard on myself and feel challenged at times to feel like I am just even adequate as a mom. I rarely did cool Pinterest crafts or art projects with my kids. When my boys were little, I really struggled with the whole story before bed thing – my hands were literally and figuratively full. I felt guilty that they never really had my full attention and had to “share” me with each other. And then there is the guilt about the inherent comparing that I would do since they were at such similar stages.

I would, and still can, beat myself up as a mom and often silently tell myself that my world would be easier if I just had had them each at their own time. But, as we are well into our 5th year of this multiples stuff, I am realizing more and more that we have given them such a gift – each other. Yes, there is a tremendous amount of fighting and toy stealing and arguing over who gets our attention next, but I am convinced that their childhood is fundamentally joyful. No special crafts or art projects are needed, nor will be remembered in the years to come. But time spent playing with and growing with your sibling will create lasting memories.

So Moms of Multiples hear this – do not pressure yourselves to give more, just because you feel that there is less of you to go around! Cheers to those that see multiples as double the fun, double the blessings…well, at least on most days!