Teenagers are in a difficult position.
They’re still children.
They’re adults in many ways too.
Maybe you’ve heard this last bit of news many times
if you have one or more teens in your home.
Teenagers have no idea who they are in the
world’s scheme of things. Yet,
they have vision and ingenuity that many
adults have thrown away in lieu of everyday life.
They have great ideas, but lack some of the
basic coping skills of their elders.
Yup, you guessed it. This is where you
(still) come in. This is that gray area, the foggy
misty swamp of parental responsibility in which
you find yourself. It’s not an easy place to be.
It’s that “darned if you do” and “darned
if you don’t”. Most days leave you feeling like
you can’t win. And you can’t, because that’s not
what parenting a teen is all about.
The goal of parenting a teenager is giving your son or daughter
what they don’t even know they want but
desperately need.
Number one is Boundaries.
Boundaries aren’t just rules. Boundaries are like fences.
They keep somethings in and somethings out. They keep the
positive, character building opportunities close to your
child, and the negative, potentially harmful issues at bay.
Your teen will naturally be drawn to the things you want them
to steer clear of. That’s part of their visionary, curious nature.
It’s not that they are bad people, they just need the guidance
and wisdom you’ve gained through the years.
Your teen will often see the positive, character building
opportunities you direct them toward as negatives.
“What do you mean cleaning my room and reading that
extra book is good for me? That’s the last thing I want
to do!” We’ve all heard this in some form or another.
Not having a reasonable curfew can give most teens too
much idle time to find trouble to get into. Cultivating and hanging
out with the wrong kinds of friends can produce trouble of another.
Number two is Words of Truth.
When our kids were teenagers, we always spoke this
admonishment as they went out the door for an evening,
“Have a good time, and remember who you are.”
In our family, remembering who they were was the fact
that they belonged to a larger family with certain standards.
We raised our children to embrace a faith and love God. They
knew this standard was something they carried into the community
just by virtue of our family name. When they got older and were
self sufficient and self supporting, they were free to accept or
reject these values. Until then, these were words about our
family that rang true.
Maybe your family’s words of truth are different. Maybe they are
about respect, honor, generosity and giving. Whatever your
familial foundation, repeating these concepts drives them deeply
into your child’s heart and mind. It’s not preaching, it’s who you
Number three is Your Presence.
As in your physical presence.
When our teenagers were growing up, I used to jokingly say to
moms of small children,
“If you’re confused about working outside the home or not, go to
work when your kids are young, and when they enter junior
high stay home with them because that’s when they’ll need
you most.”
This was spoken somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but there was also
a grain of truth in it. This is the part where their lack of mature
coping skills and bad judgment come in.
They need the security of knowing that you are physically at
home when they go out at night. They need you home when they
come home after that evening out. They need you home when
they have friends over. They need you home when everyone
else’s parents are gone, leaving their teens on their own.
Your presence is security for them, even though they may not know it
or won’t admit it. It’s also a time where as a parent you are
restricted by your teenager’s life. There are things you’d like to
do, but being physically present for your teen comes first.
This is a sacrifice you will someday be glad you made.
Childhood is short-lived, and someday your children will be
out on their own, and maybe even going through the
foggy misty swamp of being the parents of teens. You will
have come full circle and reaping the glad rewards of having
raised independent responsible people.
What could be better than that?
Here’s to being a strong, wise parent,
Mary
