In a few short weeks, life as I’ve known it for 9 and a half years is about to change dramatically.
My 5 year old twins are about to enter kindergarten, and truthfully, I’m not sure how I feel about it.
I am one part heartbroken, one part elated, one part nervous, one part excited… how many parts can one woman be?
You see, when my oldest was born, I made the decision to leave the traditional workforce and become a stay at home mom. Nearly a decade later, all of my children are headed off to school, and suddenly I’m at a loss.
What does my role as a stay at home mom look like if I don’t actually have kids at home? I want to be the mom who is able to volunteer in class, who is able to stay at home with a feverish child, who is there when they hop off the bus in the afternoon. And an 8-5 job doesn’t always allow for that.
I’m thankful that I have a growing business that will allow me to keep a flexible schedule, but there’s still a tug on my heartstrings. Am a business woman? Or am I Mom? And how does it work if I am both?
Every woman loves her kids, but there is a special, emotional connection for a woman who struggles to have them at all. After losses and fertility struggles, my children came to me after much praying, waiting, and anticipation. Part of my roller coaster this summer comes because I beat myself up for not cherishing every moment we have before the start of school. I feel guilt for seeing that there are positives in this next stage of motherhood.
Am I less of a mother because part of me is excited to discover myself and who I am on my own once again?
Am I not appreciating the gift of motherhood enough in those moments when I wish that they would just stop bickering and get off to school already?!
These are the kind of questions I ask myself.
One thing you can count on for sure: there will be tears on September 4th (our kindergartners start two days after the rest of our students). The tears will come because I am a woman, and I tend to cry about everything. I’ll be crying because my babies are far too big – and how in the world did that happen?! There will be a mourning of the loss of a stage in life… we’re growing into a new territory and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. There will be quiet tears of wonderment because, though my kinders are just half day, I will have mornings to work and see where my business can go.
And there will be proud tears of joy because I have some truly awesome kids. I’m so proud of the little people they are growing up to be. And I can’t wait to see them take on this new challenge that school brings their way.
2 comments
Thankyou for your article. My oldest is going in September and I should be excited. But I am devastated. I feel like I’m planning a funeral but trying to look happy about it. The guilty roller-coaster… On that ride too. All I can day now, as I sit here in a puddle of tears…thanks again for writing this. No one seems to understand the sadness and loss I feel.
All I can *do now, as i sit in a puddle of tears. I meant
Lol