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Twin Cities Mom Collective

I Don’t Trust My 9 Year Old, and Neither Should You

I Don't Trust My 9 Year Old, and Neither Should You | Twin Cities Moms Blog

I was recently told by a friend that I am going to teach my daughter to have trust issues.

The topic at hand was online use, and more specifically, the fact that I monitor closely everything my 9 year old does online.

Avery saved up her hard earned money, and purchased an iPod 2 years ago, when she was 7.5. She saved half, and we matched the other half (though she also had to save enough to give away 10% and save 10% first).

Right away, we set parameters around the usage.

The biggest issue at hand was whether or not to allow her freedom in her choices with said iPod. You should know that Avery is an intelligent, well-behaved child. She listens and obeys, most of the time. She comes to me when she realizes she has done something wrong. She feels remorse when she is caught. If she was a different sort of child, we wouldn’t have allowed her an iPod at all at such a tender age.

But she has known from the start that we would always know her passwords. That we would follow anyone she was following on ANY social media avenue (when that time came). That her iPod belongs on her nightstand, where I have easy access to it when I put her to bed.

And therein lies the debate. Am I a helicopter parent because I closely watch where she has been, what she has seen, and who she is talking to? Am I teaching her that she can’t be trusted?

I see the value in the argument, but here’s the thing: I cannot even be trusted to make wise decisions all the time, and I am a grown woman. Oh, I try, but I am constantly tempted. I think I’ll go to bed early, but I’ll find distractions. I think I’ll eat a salad, but the burger looks better. I think I’ll have one glass of wine and be the first to leave on girls’ night out, but I’m closing the place down.

And I’m going to hand my 9 year old access to the entire world at her fingertips, and assume she’ll make the best of it? She’s NINE. She simply doesn’t know any better.

There are gross, icky, disgusting people and things out there. And once she has seen them, they cannot be unseen. As sad as it sounds, there are people who will try to trick her into friendship so that they can take advantage of her in unspeakable ways. There are things that a 36 year old can digest and process that a 9 year old cannot.

And when things come up that are questionable, we are able to have a thoughtful, reasonable conversation about it, so that the doors of communication remain open between the two of us.

I’ve been entrusted with this little life. This beautiful, 9 year old girl is already halfway through her time with her father and I. I believe that it is my duty to keep her safe in the best way I know how. If that means that I am too involved in her online life, then so be it. Together, let’s be the parents who are teaching our kids to recognize what they are ready for. So that, down the road, they can learn to make wise decisions without our interference.

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16 comments

Heather December 16, 2014 at 8:51 AM

As a fellow mom of a 9 year old, I love your involvement and intentional parenting. There is so much access to so much out there. Just today, I told my daughter during an ongoing debate – I love you so much, but it is not my job to be your friend or make you happy, but to raise you to make a good choices so you can do so in the future. Of course seeing our kids happy is a beautiful thing, but teaching them right from wrong is not always pretty.

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Cate @ Wild Ruffle December 16, 2014 at 10:01 AM

Amen sister!

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Jamie H December 16, 2014 at 11:55 PM

My daughter bought her own iPod when she was about 7.5 years old too. I have the passwords to all her accounts which really only includes email. She is allowed to text and Facetime friends and family but is not allowed any kind of social media accounts (including Instagram which she desperately wants). I regularly check her email and her browsing history on the web. Her history is so funny and gives me great insight into what’s going on in her head! Most of her history is looking up Taylor Swift and other teeny booper group videos, photos of animals and pictures for “books she’s writing”, and Minecraft tips/tricks. On a rare occasion I’ll see something that I need to inquire further about. I didn’t know how to behave on social media/the big world of the web when I was 18 years old, how is a 8 year old supposed to know how to behave?! Keeping your kids from unintentionally harming themselves is NOT helicopter parenting it’s normal and appropriate parenting.

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Cate @ Wild Ruffle December 17, 2014 at 12:09 AM

Sounds like we are on the exact same page! 🙂

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Carrie December 17, 2014 at 6:03 PM

As someone in my 50s who wishes my parents cared more about what I was doing, you are on the right track. Kids want to know that their parents care enough to get involved.

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John December 17, 2014 at 6:19 PM

I think we have similar goals, though our approaches differ dramatically. I completely trust my kid, and the great majority of everything out there on the internet is harmless and informative. I have a 5 year old son with his own blog, his own array of social media accounts, and even his own live video stream on twitch.tv. And he has the freedom to do…just about anything he wants, really. I do keep tabs, most frequently by participating with him in some of his favorite activities. The harsh reality – the vast, vast majority of what’s out there on the internet is pictures of food, and the overwhelming majority of anyone he could interact with is a normal human being. Furthermore, the digital, connected world is the one he and his generation are going to grow up in, and the better he knows how to navigate and use it, the better off he is going to be.

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Cate @ Wild Ruffle December 17, 2014 at 7:34 PM

I wholeheartedly agree that their generation needs to know how to navigate and use the internet – as a parent of two five year olds myself, I’ve seen firsthand that they are easily able to pick up this knowledge and I have no doubt that they’ll need this knowledge to function in the business and social world as they grow.

Here’s the thing though, I believe you are misguided in your belief that the majority of what is out there is harmless and informative and good. Or perhaps we just disagree on the definition of good. To allow a five year old, a ten year old, any child under my care unfettered access to the entire digital world just doesn’t seem like a wise idea to me. I have firsthand experience of the dangers that can come along with the online world. And I just don’t want my own children to experience it if they don’t have to.

Good luck to your son with his blogging though! He must be a pretty incredible kid to be writing at such a tender age. 🙂

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Heather December 20, 2014 at 9:55 AM

You are the parent, so it is your decision to make. However.. I am a 43 year old woman who grew up with an overprotective mother. I had the normal things, curfews etc. I was also a responsible teenager who held a steady job from the time I was 15 and never got in trouble. My Mother didn’t trust me and made that abundantly clear, I was interrogated before going out with friends about where I was going, who was going to be there, what we would talk about etc and then interrogated again when I got home. If the pre game didn’t match the post game there was hell to pay. My Mother went through my things, read my letters, and accused me of being on drugs (I’ve never so much as smoked pot, btw). We had a horrible relationship, and she wondered why, at 18, I had my things boxed and ready to go to college 2 months ahead of time. I don’t have trust issues- but my Mother taught me to be secretive and extremely private. She also taught me to be a phenomenal liar- just because I had no expectation of privacy. Just a bit of food for thought.

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Cate @ Wild Ruffle December 21, 2014 at 7:16 PM

Wow! I’m so sorry you had that experience growing up! I’d hate to think that my daughter and I would come to that in our relationship. I do think there’s a difference from protecting her online, and trusting her in other areas. I never read her diary, I fully support her right to privacy, and though I ask questions about what she’s up to (and will continue to do so even more when she’s older), it’s more so that I understand what she’s walking into when she goes places, and less about whether or not I trust her to tell me what’s going on. I want the lines of communication to remain open between the two of us, but I do believe that it’s my job as the parent to know what’s going on. I think there’s a balance to be found, and I’m sorry you and your mother never found that.

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Melinda A. December 23, 2014 at 7:25 AM

You are absolutely correct about the difference between protection and trust in other areas. We do this with internet and cell phone. We established day one that the internet and cell phone are powerful devices and can be used in many diffterent ways. We have full access to both and reserve the right to look through them at anytime. That was the first sentence I said to her at 10yrs old when I handed her her first cell phone. It was the first sentence I said to her when we made her a facebook account for her 13th birthday. My daughter is now 16 and I am all over her life. Not in a bad way, in the way that we have a relationship, she knows her boundaries but she also knows she is loved. She comes home and tells me all about the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful things she has discovered in life. She feels secure enough to even ask me questions about the more adult things she is exposed to at school things that make me blush. It is a balance, I am blessed with an amazing young lady who I love and she loves me. What I have learned is to always remember to keep the relationship open even for the tough questions, to pick your battles, and to remember that rules without relationship equal rebellion so it is imperative to keep that relationship no matter what.

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Nikki Sughrue December 20, 2014 at 5:39 PM

Thanks so much for the insight and tips. I have a two year old daughter and I seriously have sleepless nights just anticipating the day when she wants to get online! Best of luck, sounds like you are doing a fantastic job to me!

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TFlo83 December 21, 2014 at 5:28 PM

As a mom who has experienced what a child can get into on the internet can I just say “Amen”? My daughter was exposed to pornography after clicking on an advertisement in an app that took her to youtube. She then clicked down the innocent videos in youtube until they became not so innocent. And now I can’t take back those images. Good for you for being proactive.

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Cate @ Wild Ruffle December 21, 2014 at 7:18 PM

Wow – that is scary, and is exactly what I’m trying to prevent. And if it happens, I’m glad that I’ll be able to know about it soon after and be able to talk through it.

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Meg Wicks December 21, 2014 at 8:26 PM

Absolutely LOVE this. Difficult thing is that our 10-year-old is my stepson, and the same thought processes don’t seem to run in his other household. 🙁

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Lisa December 22, 2014 at 7:29 AM

i teach kids, your daughter’s age, in the computer lab. They have email addresses, which they give their parents so they can monitor them. I tell the kids that they should never keep passwords from their parents because just as they protect them at the stores or malls from strangers their job is to protect their child online. Treat everyone online as a stranger. They can be anyone or any age online. Good job mom. Now if your daughter were 16, it would be different.

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Heather March 28, 2015 at 7:37 AM

As a mom of an 8-year-old, I have first-hand knowledge of wht happens when you trust your “good kid” too much with something online. My daughter was playing Battlecamp, which is a kids’ game. I didn’trealize there was a chat board ( or we would never have let her play). My husband works in I.T. and we have talked to her countless times about the dangers of strangers online, not giving out personal info, etc. She still ended up prey to two very scary predators who proposed things to her that she can never un-read. She lost some innocence. So being involved is a very responsible and necessary parenting tactic. It also let’s them know you care enough to keep them safe. They may not like it sometimes, but it is our job to care for them. Too many kids are left unparented in this area and it can blur their personal boundaries without useven knowing it. It’s not helicopter parenting. It’s responsible. I applaud you.

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