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Twin Cities Mom Collective

I Didn’t Like My Baby When I Met Him

I Didn't Like My Baby When I Met Him | Twin Cities Moms Blog

I have a confession to make. It is deep and ugly and I don’t like admitting it. But as the secret’s one year anniversary draws near, I keep thinking about it. About how I wish it wasn’t true, how I wish I could have a do-over, another shot at it, one last try.

But I can’t.

There’s nothing I can do about it, and it makes me feel unsettled, unkind, unworthy.

I didn’t like my baby when I met him. Yes, my firstborn, my only-born, Eli. I didn’t like him very much, in fact, I didn’t like him at all. Of course, as they say, a mother’s love is vast and deep and wide and incomprehensible, and if you had asked me I would have answered with a resounding YES, that I loved my baby with every fiber of my being. But that doesn’t mean I had to like him.

I’m not a kid-person, and even after having a kid, I would still say I’m not a kid-person. I’m an Eli-person, but not a kid-person. Eli was a surprise to my husband and I – his birthdate was definitely not in my Google calendar for at least another few years and I had a hard time coming to terms with his early arrival. I was one of the few pregnant ladies who felt like they could stand to wait a few more weeks before I met my baby. But of course, Eli decided to come five days early and before I knew it, I was in the hospital struggling through a 32 hour labor that looked like everything but my birth plan.

Those first couple days in the hospital were difficult. I was tired and hurting – oh the pain, I can’t think too deeply about the pain or everything in me starts to quiver – and I needed time to process all that had happened to me, but the time just wasn’t available. So many people say the “joy of meeting my baby made me forget all the pain.” Not me. I remembered it, continued to feel it, and it only increased every time I looked at my baby – because in my mind he was the source of the pain.

It’s a terrible way to feel really. For a few weeks, I felt so cautious, so guarded around my son. Like he was a bomb that would go off if I got too close or a wild animal that would attack if I let my guard down. I loved him, I knew I did without a doubt, but I just couldn’t bring myself to feel that all-consuming joy that so many mothers speak of. Because for me, it took me a long time to separate my son from my pain. And honestly, looking back now, that makes me so sad.

Today, I feel that all-consuming joy. I couldn’t hide it if I tried, and so when I look back at those weeks just over a year ago, I’m disappointed with myself. I wish I could tell myself then what I know now: Eli will be the joy of your life. You may not feel it now, but soon you will know the truth: That he was worth every single sliver of pain, and in fact, you’d do it again in a heartbeat because of how wonderful he is. He will melt your heart with his silly grins, fake coughs, and his incessant signing of “more” every time you read a book together. You will love being a mother more than you can even imagine, and soon you will wonder why you ever waited to become one.

But then I think again, and I know that those words wouldn’t have changed anything. Because I already knew all that. That’s just growing pains of becoming a mom, I guess. You don’t always feel it, but you know it somewhere deep down. You have to sift and search the deep ocean of your heart to find it and at the time you don’t want to, but it is always there, resting, waiting at the bottom. So you solider on, feeling those feelings that swim at the top, until finally you wake up one day realizing that you’ve made it to the other side. Your heart has flipped over and those feelings that were deep down are on top and all around, surrounding and enveloping your heart until the things that were on the surface are pushed to shore because there is no place for them.

I know I won’t get another shot at those first few weeks of my son’s life. There are no do-overs in the trial-by-fire exam of motherhood. But I am grateful to know that what I feel at the time isn’t always true. It’s learning to look below the surface of what I’m feeling in the moment, and rest easy in the knowledge that deep below lies the truth – it will come up and I will feel truth someday. But until then I continue on, doing what I’m doing, even if that means loving my baby when I  think I don’t like him.

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9 comments

Becca March 13, 2014 at 11:48 AM

Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes I look back on when my son came home, (also after a very long labor) that ended in a C-section, and I feel so selfish, because that’s what I was… I knew all the stuff that you said. I’d love motherhood, I’d love my son deeper than anyone I’ve ever loved before, but I wasn’t ready, frankly I didn’t, and couldn’t understand what that meant and I was mad about it. I was mad that I was losing sleep, and that my boobs hurt, and that I couldn’t go out to lunch with my friends anymore. Jeeze even just typing I’m ashamed.

So again thank you for sharing your story… I think it’s good for people to hear that stuff and know that good lord almighty it’s the most difficult transition of my life so far, and that’s ok and we’re just human beings and thankfully our son’ won’t remember that part but only the part about how we love them more than we even knew was possible.

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Laura March 13, 2014 at 9:42 PM

Hi Becca, I’m so glad to hear you connected with the post. You’re right, the important thing is that they know we loved them from day one, that was never a question. Motherhood is a huge transition, and while we spend tons of time preparing for it, nothing truly does except going through it. I’m so thankful that my feelings did change quickly so that what I knew – that I loved him – became what I felt – liking him. 🙂

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Nissa March 13, 2014 at 12:13 PM

Becoming a parent is such a huge transition. I still remember when we told my parents we were expecting: my mom was almost upset about it, “I guess you aren’t doing any traveling.” It was also difficult for our childless friends to understand why we changed after our daughter was born: someone had to take care of the baby! I think it takes time to grow to love someone. What we can do is focus on helping new parents with the overwhelming responsibility that just showed up in their lives. Be a listening ear, provide a meal, acknowledge that it’s not easy!

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Laura March 13, 2014 at 9:44 PM

Great thoughts Nissa – it’s definitely important to ease the transition for all parents by helping them out – and in particular – like you said – acknowledge that it’s not easy! It was so refreshing when a friend related or just listened, instead of trying to fix things.

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Karri March 13, 2014 at 9:17 PM

Thanks Laura for sharing your heart. While I can’t completely relate, I can on some levels. I too wasn’t ready for motherhood when it happened to me at the age of 28. All I could think about what the teen moms I had worked with that made it seem SO easy and here I was struggling with bleeding nipples, a failure to thrive baby and was in so much pain (after a long and difficult delivery) that it literally hurt to sit. I like how you said you are still not a kid person, but you are an Eli-person. That should make him feel extra special!

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Karri March 13, 2014 at 9:18 PM

was

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Laura March 13, 2014 at 9:46 PM

Ugh, all that stuff that comes with a newborn – I think no matter how excited you are to have that baby, it’s still incredibly difficult those first few months. Mike and I keep looking back and asking ourselves how we did it!

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Elizabeth July 31, 2014 at 7:40 PM

This is a great post. I felt somewhat similar- and it’s so hard to say or think about. I love him more than life itself now, but those first few days were rough!

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Courtney August 14, 2015 at 9:35 PM

Thank you for posting this-I felt that all consuming love from day one with my firstborn, but did not feel it with my second. I felt terrible for months knowing how I was “supposed” to feel, and struggle now because I have that connection now with him, but I somehow feel like I missed out on something in those first months. It is nice to know I am not the only one!

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