Let me preface this by saying that I have the utmost respect for mothers that work outside of the home. Truly. I am amazed by how you juggle your day and all of the priorities you have. Crazy amounts of kudos to you.
As some of you know, my husband and I made the decision for me to stay home with our kids before my daughter, Georgia, was born 2 1/2 years ago. We have no definite plans as to how long I will be home or if and when I will return to the outside working world, but we figured we would play it by ear…and so far so good.
A family friend, whom I just adore, stopped over for a visit a few months back. We sat around the table, chatting and catching up as we had not seen each other since the birth of my second child, Jude. “How is staying home?” she asked. To which I replied, “Wonderful. It has its good days and bad days, just like any other job, but it’s exactly where I feel my place is right now.” And then she said it. She said what I have always feared others have thought. “Can you imagine actually having to work?” I felt immediate aching in my heart. My husband looked at me with protective eyes and began to open his mouth to defend my feelings. I quickly replied, “No, no I can’t.” I’m really not sure why I replied what I did. Possibly to avoid confrontation. Possibly because I was in shock. A frequently traveling husband, a toddler and a newborn all sandwiched in between a couple slices of sleep deprivation could have been it, too.
Bless her heart, I know she was not trying to offend me. But nonetheless, I have never felt so discredited in my entire life. The role I have given every ounce of myself to. The one that I take so seriously; that I feel so passionate about. The one that I always thought was so much work but so ridiculously worth it. I’ve been considering that role my work over the last couple of years and I was beginning to question if any of it was valid.
That night I laid in bed with my mind weighing heavily on that conversation. And I became defensive. Can I imagine having to work? What the heck was that supposed to mean? And I replayed my daily activities at home over in my head. Getting the kids dressed. Reading books. Packing them up into the car. Singing song after song. Playdates. School. Sleep training. Nursing. Pumping. Teaching. Target runs. Reasoning. Rubbing tummies. Wiping up spilled milk. Changing diapers. Folding laundry. Art projects. Dance parties. Disciplining. Soothing. Making breakfast. Cleaning up. Making lunch. Cleaning up. Making dinner. Cleaning up.
I turned over on my side, grabbed my phone from the nightstand and Googled the term ‘work,’ which read:
noun: activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result
…and I’d never felt so validated. I may not walk out the door each morning with the goal of completing deadlines, powerpoint presentations or meetings. But that’s not to say my daily goals aren’t important. And that’s surely not to say that achieving my goals is not work. My goal, every single day, is to shape my children into responsible, caring, loving and intelligent individuals. If that’s not work, somebody please tell me what is.
Regardless of where you work from 8-5….in the home or outside…we are all doing what we are doing in order to achieve a purpose or a result. Be proud of all the work you’re doing to get there. I know I am.
13 comments
Great post, Melissa. I have done both. I stayed home for 4.5 years and now I work full time outside of the home as well as being a Mom. While it is hard to work outside of the home and still have my duties in the home, the mental space is easier and bigger while I am at work between 8-5. I will never regret my time at home while they were tiny. You are doing work. Hard work that involves your heart and your mind and your body and your brain. Work that is more meaningful and has more impact than what most do at a corporation. Come on haters, get mad at that! You are raising a tiny person who depends on you for every.single.want and need. You are responsible for a life or two or three, not just the bottom dollar.
Keep it up, girlie…I will give you kudos whenever you need them!
And you should be – you’re an amazing mom and you’re doing a great job. I love looking at the definition and think that would be the easiest way to kill the “mommy wars,” in regards to this part of them, at least. Great post!!
Thanks, Melissa, for your thoughts. I stayed at home with our three kids until the last one graduated from high school. Never, ever, regretted it. Sure, we went without, but knowing I was in the best place FOR OUR FAMILY made all the difference. You’re doing a great job, one of the hardest jobs on earth–preparing responsible citizens for a better world to come. Be encouraged!
Love,
Mary
Hi Melissa and friends,
As a home cleaner, I’ve had several clients over the years who are moms who work for pay outside the home. But I’ve had almost as many clients who are moms who stay at home.
Inevitably, when we were working out the cleaning arrangements, the stay-at-home moms expressed guilt and just plain old feelings of failure because they were asking for help keeping up their homes.
I would remind them that though their work may not come with a paycheck, it’s just as demanding and time consuming. And just because they have made the choice to stay home doesn’t mean they have to be a cleaning lady.
There are so many tangled and complicated feelings regarding what it means to stay at home as a mother or father. Some of those complicated feelings belong to people who make thoughtless comments, but plenty of them spring from inside the men and women who stay home.
In a society built around paychecks and promotions, I understand.
I just hope that in some small way, I can help parents who stay at home embrace their worthiness so they can better embrace their important work.
Keep it up, Melissa!
Nicole
Thank you for the nice note, Nicole…its wonderful to hear such great words of encouragement!
Thank you for this post. While I respect the intention, and your perspective, I also think you are being sensitive to what your friend may have been trying to convey when she said the things she did. I took the remark to speak more loudly to the very lucky position you are in with your family, to have options many women in America will never have.
The fact that you and your husband were able to consciously make a family planning decision that didn’t financially require you to work outside the home puts you in a position many women will never have the opportunity to experience. So while you may have felt slighted or discredited by her remark, it should not take away from the fact that you are indeed very lucky to have options and the ability to exercise those options in a way that works for the life you want to live.
I don’t think she meant anything insensitive by it! Another way of saying it may have been, “Can you imagine having two jobs instead of one, all the while paying more in daycare than you may for college for your children?”
That was my immediate thought, too: Maybe she just meant something like, “Can you imagine if you HAD to work” (knowing that you feel strongly about staying home). I mean, that’s an issue for a lot of moms–many don’t WANT to go to work, but have to. I hated having to return to work so early. And although I certainly appreciate the break from the rigors of mommyhood, there are many times when my heart just aches for my baby. I never feel like I get enough time with him.
…Coming back from that tangent…
BUT when I went back and reread her words, their meaning is unmistakable. “Can you imagine ACTUALLY having to work?” Not “Can you imagine HAVING to work.”
Also, to speak to the two jobs comment, I see being a stay-at-home mom as a full-time job. Being a working mom is like having two part-time jobs that equate to full-time (sometimes more) employment. In my experience.
Melissa, I am a full-time working mom of a 3 year old and 1 year old. I can attest that there is no harder job than staying at home with your kiddos! It’s so frustrating that anyone outside of your own family should try to have an opinion of what or how you raise your kids. I had no clue what I was doing at home with my oldest! Good for you and all the other SAHM’s for your tireless work.
Hi there,
First things first- I get it. I’ve been a full time employee, full time mommy, and various combinations as our circumstances shift. And, I’ve been on BOTH ends of hurtful comments.
I have teenagers. I’ve heard it all. This is just one topic which will divide the very friends you need the most! Spanking or Time Outs?Homeschooling or public school? Youre giving her a cell phone WHEN?!? And God forbid your child should have an allergy, a learning disability or anything else outside the ‘norm’.
When someone says something insensitive, assume goodwill. Moms need to (and I believe, WANT to) support one another. It’s a long haul from here to college ladies, and you’re gonna WANT mamas of all flavors to share school pictures and laugh over the crazy things these little people are.going to put you through.
Hang in there, mommies! Where EVER you are from 8-5, you’re doing amazing things.
If I paid someone to come to my house and do everything I do with my daughter and home, that person could say she goes to work each day. But when it is me staying home to do everything, I do not work.
Great message- you touched my heart. I think we (moms) all carry around our own feelings about how we did -or are doing “life with kids”. Be proud of who you are! Wouldn’t it be nice if we could get to a place where common language supports and respects both sides of this issue? What if we changed the terminology “stay at home mom” to “work from home”!! I’ve always felt “stay at home mom” had a negative vibe. Just a thought-might be a nice subtle way to inform those that don’t know how hard “working from home” really is.
“Find a job you love and you will never work a day in your life.”
I think your friend was a little careless with her words as well as her usage as you figured out. It should have been “Can you imagine actually having to go to a job?”
Having worked outside of the home and not been particularly organized, our children, our family would have been a lot better off in the long run if I had stayed home. I would like to think that it might have made a difference in our three slightly dysfunctional children. Early on there was no choice, later, perhaps.