After a 2-year incubation period, my little guy just presented with a strong case of the “MINES!” Yesterday, he decided to take dominion over his 4-year old sister’s pony kingdom. He wanted all of them. Their outfits. Their brushes. Their baby ponies. Even the castle. I’m not sure he wanted them for any other reason than to demonstrate what a 24-month-old can do to get a rise out of his sister…and their mom. I tried to turn the situation into a teachable moment for my son. It got me thinking about my own case of the “mines.” This is rising up in me as I watch teenagers and children fall prey to the dark side of online addictions and sometimes sexual exploitation. Before I share my thoughts, let me throw out a few disclaimers.
- First, I’m not an expert at ANYTHING, including parenting and Internet safety. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to parent my toddlers and how to help my “other kids,” who are in grades 7-12. In the midst of doing both, I ask a lot of questions and look for good resources.
- Second, I’m not telling anyone how to parent. I stopped doing that once I had my first child.
Last month, I heard about a mom that had a “mine” moment when she put on her investigative hat and determined that her daughter had been communicating with a cleverly disguised perpetrator on a social media site. Based on limited public reports, this mom found questionable communication between her daughter and this “woman.” She reached out to other parents that had daughters who were ‘friends’ with this woman. With a bit more evidence, the mom contacted the police, and after an investigation, it was discovered that this woman was actually a 24-year old man who works with children. We can act shocked, horrified, mad, and say, “How dare he.” We can blame his employer and shake our fists and spend a lot of time talking with our friends about how awful this guy is, but I wonder if the feelings will solve much? The truth is that background checks are only useful to a (much needed) point. In reality, what happens behind closed doors, in an online world, or in disguised apps, is a secret kept from employers, friends, family, neighbors, PARENTS, and the list goes on. And often the secrets are so horrific and filled with shame, that asking someone for help seems very unlikely.
First, I need to say I LOVE THIS MOM. Her actions speak LOVE. I believe that it is her RIGHT, RESPONSIBILTY, and ROLE to step into the middle of her daughter’s world and say “MINE!” I believe this because I see the results of SECRETS. I see the hurt of boys that got their first glimpses of porn on their phone or their friend’s phone, and now they can’t seem to break free from the addiction. Or the young girls that hear about an unknown sexual act from their friends, later do a search on the internet that leads into a world of curiosity and desire, and sometimes an addiction. Left home alone, or behind closed doors, they may spend hours in a world that we have little control over as parents. I’ve seen the aftermath of boys and girls being victims of abuse or neglect. I’ve witnessed the path of approval addiction that can take root in a world of twitter “likes.” In this world of teenagers, I see a ton of hurt and I wonder if some of it could be avoided if parents stepped in more often and said “MINE!”
Here’s a few questions to ask yourself and have open, honest conversation with your child:
Online Activity: The internet is an awesome tool that can bring the whole world to your child with a few clicks of the buttons. It can also open some dangerous doors for exploration. Are you doing everything you can to provide “guardrails” in your child’s world? Accountability software? Computers in “family areas?” Limitations with cell phone use? Having them show you their social media sites and how they are using them? Overseeing their chat room time? Putting parental controls on gaming devices? Receiving updates when they add friends or make online purchases? Are you researching the apps and games that they are playing by going online and getting educated? Are you educating them on all of what you are learning? Check out the Parent Guide to a popular app called SnapChat (https://www.snapchat.com/static_files/parents.pdf). This is one example of a parent education piece that has changed many parents minds about the use of this very common social media app. (Side note….if you are not doing any of these, and decide to start all of them at one time, good luck.)
If you are interested in knowing what the Cyber Division of the FBI says about protecting our children from online predators, click HERE. Another awesome resource is NetSmartz.org. The site contains teaching tools you can do with your children, ages 5-17, to help them build skills they need to stay safe online. As a parent, you can become educated and empowered to understand a variety of topics from cell phones, to apps, to online gaming, to cyber bullying. Best part…they give you a list of discussion questions within each category to start having conversations with your tweens and teens. And, check out esrb.org, where you can get up-to-date information on online games and ratings. There is a very helpful Parent Resource section, which offers discussion guides and parental control tutorials.
Porn and Sex Ed: This is a tough one. So let’s start with us as parents. Have you examined your own life and looked for places that could lead your child astray? I know a young man that found his dad’s collection of porn. For years he could access it without his parents knowing. How about your collection? Would you want your daughter to flip through the pages of a best-selling book and have Anastasia teach her about love and respect and sexual exploration? She will if she is curious why everyone keeps talking about the book….especially if she’s not allowed to see the movie when it comes out. She will probably even put it back in that secret hiding spot you don’t know she already knows about.
Other adults and peers: Are you asking the right questions to the right people? As a youth worker, I sometimes wonder why parents would assume that I’m safe. Other than a speeding ticket, my background check looks great. But you have the RIGHT to ask me questions. About my theology, my opinion on purity, my opinion on drugs, alcohol, and what I would do if your son or daughter tells me information that is concerning. You have the right to know if my values line up with yours. Luckily, I’m probably on the same team as you, and hope for the best for your teen. But, please don’t assume.
We have our children living with us for approximately a fifth of their lives.
During that time, we are their “keepers” and we need to take the role very seriously. At the same time, we want to protect them, we also want them to be BOLD and make a difference in the world. So they are going to need help making WISE decisions during these first 18 years. This means preparing them to understand the consequences BEFORE they find themselves in a place of hurt and pain and shame. And, if they are already in that place, we need to tell AND SHOW them that we love them, NO MATTER WHAT and that we would walk through anything with them. We need them to know that we will find the help they need and that we won’t give up on them. They need to know we believe in them and there is nothing we can’t handle hearing about.
During this fifth of their life when they are with us, we want to set them up for wise decisions in college and/or their first jobs. Healthy, honest marriages. Authentic friendships.
I’m excited to face this case of the “Mines” alongside my son. Like most challenges in life, I expect to do so fully armed with the best books and online resources I can find, the support of my amazing friends that have already “been there” and a lot of prayer. And, I hope I can handle this stage with a bit more emotional intelligence than my children. 🙂
This is a guest post by Amy Jaynes. Amy has worked with teenagers in youth ministry for eight years. For the first four years, she worked full-time in medical sales, while squeezing in time to volunteer with youth at her church. But that wasn’t enough. Amy quit her corporate job and pursued what she loves…youth ministry. For the last four years, she has enjoyed working part-time in ministry and enjoys every moment with her husband and two littles. She believes every teen has a purpose far greater than they would ever imagine.
