Breaking the Mean Girl Cycle: One Mother’s Quest to Save Her Daughters

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Picture it: Summit Square Retirement Hotel, 1994. It’s my senior year of high school, and a few girlfriends and I take jobs at the Summit as wait staff during the hotel’s two dinner seatings. On my first day, a girlfriend of mine gestures to the first two tables in the first row and says: “Those ladies over there? They’re the ‘popular girls.’ They rule this place.”

And indeed they did — through a masterful web of slander, pretention, and downright rudeness. No matter how many snide looks they gave, or rumors they spread, no one ever stood up to them and no one from the group ever dissented. I was astonished that behavior I was used to seeing in the high school cafeteria carried right over into the retirement home. No matter how old we get, we’re never going to escape the Mean Girls.

Games Mean Girls Play

Relational aggression is the game that Mean Girls play. According to the National Association for School Psychologists, this game is a subtle and manipulative sport that includes such tactics as social isolation, threats to cease communication, and gossiping about the intended target to other peers and superiors. Although this information comes from a group centered around school-aged children, this type of behavior doesn’t stop with the donning of a cap and gown as I learned from my time at the Summit. Mean girls are everywhere at every age and chances are you know a few.

I certainly do.

And it was recently while reeling from yet another run-in with these Mean Girls and their gossipy ways (which I shall not detail to protect their identities and curtail any notion that this post is an attempt at passive-aggressive retaliation), that I had an epiphany: I am a mother to two young girls whom I do not want to become Mean Girls. So, rather than stew about being the subject of another round of gossip, I would use this opportunity to uncover the motivation behind Mean Girl behavior and do everything in my power to help my girls avoid it.

What I’ve Found

From a review of current literature and past notes from my graduate studies in counseling, I learned that all human beings have an innate desire to solidify our social position within a given social hierarchy through active networking, influence, and the formation of alliances. Most of us do this through simple variations on the Golden Rule, but Mean Girls do it by creating a disadvantage for others in order to create advantage for themselves. At its core, the human mind craves engagement and stability–these are the foundations for the architecture of the brain. Whether or not these needs are satisfied has numerous behavioral implications, and in my experience, it seems that insecurity is the common thread between all of the Mean Girls that I know. As such, I have begun practicing deliberate behaviors to encourage stability in my own daughters.

Parents, Do Try This at Home

Master Fact vs. Opinion

Master Fact vs. Opinion: Language is a foundational tool and it is the currency of gossip. Whenever one of my girls launches into a story about an experience she had at school or in the gym, I listen carefully to the whole story, and then I ask her to identify the facts of the matter. I want my ladies to be very aware of what is an observable, measurable fact and what parts of the story are opinions. Once we isolate opinions, I try to help them get to the emotions that are driving this opinion. Creating awareness of factual information vs. emotionally charged opinion is crucial as it allows my girls to identify their feelings and decide how to manage them.

Empower and Build

Empower and Build: I want my girls to develop and retain confidence in themselves in every area of their lives and that, of course, is a very tall order. I praise their efforts, successes, and even their failures (because failure isn’t failure if one learns something from it). Recently, though, I’ve become more deliberate by creating a Power Jar for each child. In this jar, I place a daily note in which I detail an observation that I have about each child–the way she handled a situation, a good result on school work, a new tumbling trick achieved, whatever. I also encourage others who know the girls to write notes for them. When they need a boost, they can go to the jar and grab a note.

Be the Model

Be the Model: Model the behavior that you wish to see. In the case of avoiding Mean Girl behaviors, modeling goes deeper than simply committing oneself to avoid gossip. Here, modeling means showing your kids that you build your network, exert your influence, and maintain your alliances through practicing positive means . . . and this is subtle behavior that kids might miss. The solution is to share your stories and your experiences and your wisdom around how you have treated people the way you want them to treat you. It also means that when you are treated poorly, you model for your children the best way to rebound and recover.

Of course, these techniques are just a start, and there are many other ways to help your daughters (and sons) break the Mean Girl cycle. What suggestions do you have?

3 COMMENTS

  1. LOVE LOVE LOVE this post, Ali! I think it definitely applies to those of us with daughters but also to those of us as MOTHERS. I know I try to think “every mom is doing the best they can for their family” but let’s be honest, I judge – WE ALL DO IT. Although I might not deliberately be mean or rude to a mom with a different parenting style, I probably do not welcome her into the group chatting at the playground or swim lessons. We can break the cycle of our children but we should also break the cycle of ourselves!

  2. Ali, thanks for this. As a mom of 2 girls, as well, and having experienced mean girls in my own adolescence, I too, aim to raise girls who are confident and kind. Thanks for this thoughtful perspective on a very real and sad problem with women….seriously, it’s so sad and you’re right, it seems to last waaaayyyy past high school!

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