How We Talked to Our Sons about Pornography

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darkcomputerteen2Disclaimer: I’m not an expert on this topic, but I’m a mom who cares deeply about her sons.

I’ve thought about posting on the topic of pornography for awhile, but when pairing it up next to “20 Awesomely Hipster Baby Names for Boys,” I was worried this audience might not be ready for such an intense post. However, with the holiday season approaching and Internet-ready gifts in abundance, I thought this may be the perfect time to address the subject.

As a mom of three boys, purity and pornography have been issues I’ve put a lot of thought into. I’ve read books about the struggle men fight daily against this destructive beast. I’ve seen the aftermath of a man addicted to pornography and the devastation it brought to his family. I know the fight men encounter with pornography is a prevalent issue, and much like women’s issues of postpartum depression and infertility, it doesn’t get the face time it deserves.

Our sons are currently 12, 10, and 8, and we’ve discovered that it’s right around year 7-8 boys start to show an interest in the mystery of a girl’s body. Now, this isn’t necessarily sexual. However, with a peaked curiosity, a young boy can wander directly into the snare of pornography and impurity. So, as parents (and specifically mothers), how can we successfully walk this road with our sons?

purityTalk, Talk, Talk

My first discussion about this topic was with my husband. I realize some of you don’t have this option. However, I strongly feel that the best way to understand the struggle men face with pornography is go straight to them. My husband and I had a good discussion about some common pitfalls men must avoid, how boys face this enemy at a VERY EARLY AGE, and how we as parents can try the best we can to help our sons navigate this rocky road. If you don’t have a husband, consider your dad, a close brother, or another appropriate male influence.

After talking with my husband, we spoke with each of our boys separately about the issue. We spoke to our then 10-year-old at his level, our 8-year-old at his level, and our 6-year-old at a very different level. But, the important thing is that the lines of communication are open and they remain open.

I will regularly, much to their dismay, open up this topic at random times. “How was wrestling practice and are you struggling with any impure thoughts?” Okay, maybe not quite that random, but you get the point. It’s an ongoing, regular topic of conversation. Thoughts and ideas that are forced to stay in the dark will take root and potentially overtake the spirit. “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:11).

It’s God’s Design (i.e. You Aren’t a Weirdo!!)

Let me be very clear: PORNOGRAPHY IS NOT GOD’S DESIGN. No question. However, God did design man with a very keen eye for the female figure. Ask any man and he’ll be hard pressed to deny that it’s a daily battle to keep his eyes from wandering.

We made it a point to tell each of our sons that it isn’t weird to want to look at girls. God designed them that way. But, just like he designed tulips for spring and snowflakes for winter, He designed sexual experiences for marriage. Is it tempting to wander outside those parameters? Absolutely. But, God’s best doesn’t exist for them outside of His design… which leads to the next point.

Your Spouse Is Waiting & Honor Your Sisters

We’ve talked with each of our boys about their future spouses. We’ve prayed for their future spouses. We’ve wondered with them, at various times, about what their future spouses may be doing.

“I wonder if she plays sports.”

“Wouldn’t it be cool if your wife likes hot chocolate just as much as you do?”

“I wonder if your wife will like dogs or cats?”

We’ve made it a point to include thoughts of their future spouse in normal discussion. Our hope is that by making her a part of our family already, some of the temptation associated with dishonoring her by looking at pornography or engaging in other immoral acts might be even less appealing.

We’ve talked to the boys about how each girl they know is someone’s daughter and/or sister. And, we’ve even stressed the point that the girls in our most intimate circles should also be considered their sisters. We’ve talked about how to honor them as such and how to hold them in high esteem. I strive to help my boys foster healthy relationships with their peers of the opposite sex. I pray that the earlier they’re taught to put value on other people, the harder it will be for them to tarnish that with impure thoughts and actions.

Walk Hand in Hand & Room by Room

What I mean by this is, you may have to start taking an active interest in some of the games, sites, and apps your sons adore. We are tech users in our home and the kids have access to the Internet in various ways. We have implemented safety procedures on browsers, etc., but it would be naive to think that they won’t either a) find ways around it or b) find other sources for access to pornography.

Recently, all three of my sons have fallen in love with the game Clash of Clans. In this game, you essentially train troops to raid other villages for their plunder. However, you also have to build up your own clan which means inviting others to join your village. This is where it gets tricky. Players can chat with each other in this game. Red flag. “Where words are plenty sin abounds” (Proverbs 10:19). You can also invite random strangers to join your clan. Double red flag.

So, after researching the game and talking through many of its pitfalls with our sons, we came up with several Skow Clan rules for Clash of Clans. It won’t be perfect, and I am on my knees regularly asking God for His protection for my sons’ hearts and minds. I also decided that Mama Skow is joining the clan. I’m currently in the process of building up my village in order to restore my clan castle. It’s incredible how much elixir you need to train up a good army! 😉

We also have a Skow Clan rule that Internet devices are used in public spaces. Not in bedrooms. Not in bathrooms. Not in secret.

pathBe Proactive & Vigilant

Whatever you do, don’t wait for this issue to bring itself up. Be proactive. Initiate the conversation with your son. More likely than not, it will release a burden from him and introduce him to right thinking on the subject. He may have already encountered pornography in some form.

Do not shame him.

Chances are he knew it was wrong and has been living under the weight of his decisions. Release him from his guilt and start a healthy discussion with him.

Don’t sit back and wait for them to slip up. Check into the games they’re playing. Ask them questions about apps they use. Regularly give them opportunities to talk to you about their struggles and or/victories. Make the issues of their heart a family business.

Do you have any tips to share with us about how you’ve helped your son(s) in this area? Have you had this conversation with your son(s)?

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Marti Skow
Marti Skow is a boy raising, homeschooling, picture taking, blog/song/poetry writing, husband loving, work from home graphic artist. She has learned to graciously thrive in a house full of boys, living a life precariously between wedgie wars and warrior training. Marti has written several worship songs with her husband Josh and describes writing and poetry as her form of “knitting.” Some of her favorite things are good coffee (spelled Smokey Row), historical fiction and breakfast foods…preferably enjoyed together. Marti’s desire is to see the world as God sees it and to love His people as He does. You can read more about Marti’s life with boys at www.betterbelieveit.wordpress.com.

12 COMMENTS

  1. I have found the most difficult part of the conversation is me getting over the awkwardness! I was brought up in a family that didn’t discuss such matters, so having an open dialogue about such things has been like jumping into the deep end. After most of our awkward convos I am sweating and need chocolate and he is all like, “Ok, cool. Can I get back to mine craft?” 😉 I also have found that having the convos in regular life is easier than making a deal of it. It’s getting trickier with a child of each gender, but we captilize on that alone time to have those random heart talks. Such a great post!!

    • Mere – I think most of us grew up in families where such topics weren’t talked about openly. I think it’s kind of a generational thing too. I know I have a slight advantage because I have a house of all boys. We can discuss this without having to have on a “girl” filter. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. I just imagine it would be trickier to talk openly about such a topic with mixed genders. I know one of the best things we can do for our kids is to teach them from an early age to value other people, men and women. Encourage them to really look at people for who they are and not as objects, something to be disposed of, etc. I believe that is the root of a lot of our troubles. We just simply don’t value others the way we should. (Gun violence, pornography, abortion, hate crimes, abuse, neglect, etc.)

  2. Marti, thank you so much for posting on this difficult topic. I failed miserably in this arena and through my experiences have learned that the best way to slay the power of such temptations is to talk to our children about them in preventive ways. My oldest son got hooked on pornography at the age of 10. We had just arrived in the Frankfurt, Germany airport and were assaulted by a large ad showing a woman naked from the waist up. While this is acceptable in Europe, it captured my son. Had I had the wherewithal to sit down and talk to my son about it, we may have been able to thwart his difficulties with it.

    • Debra – thanks for sharing your experiences with us. I have heard this over and over from moms who are years ahead of me in this journey. It seems like we need to open the lines of communication WAAAY before we think we should. I imagine in can start in small ways just like when we introduce the topic of sex to our kids. We don’t jump straight in to the 12 ft. end of the topic. I pray your son has been able to overcome the grasp pornography has had on him.

  3. What exactly are “impure thoughts”? Are you suggesting all sexual thoughts and feelings outside of marriage are impure? And that any sexual act outside of marriage is wrong? It seems you are discouraging more than just pornography, but sexuality in general. That type of attitude may cause children to feel guilt or shame over natural and normal sexual feelings that they experience as they develop. I think there are better ways to discourage pornography. How about telling them that it degrades and objectifies women? That it is unrealistic and unnatural, and that real sex with someone you love is a beautiful thing. I certainly believe in encouraging children/teenagers to respect their sexuality and wait until they are physically and emotionally mature enough to handle sex. But I don’t agree with teaching them that having sexual thoughts, feelings, or actions outside of marriage makes them “impure.”

    • Amy – thanks for pointing out a possible flaw in my writing as that was not my intent whatsoever. I believe, 100% that having sexual thoughts and feelings is normal. I believe (this is me speaking from my belief system) that God created us to have those feelings. I don’t think in the least bit that sexual feelings are “wrong.” As a matter of fact, when I wrote in the post not to shame your son once finding out he accessed pornography, that’s what I was speaking to. The feelings are normal but how we act upon them can be “impure.” I would assume, that once a boy/man has accessed pornography to gratify his sexual desires he has crossed over from normal sexual feelings to having “impure thoughts.” Does that make sense? That’s what I was speaking of.

      Personally, I don’t use the phrase “impure thoughts” with my kids, exactly. We’ve talked together about what we believe to be healthy sexual habits. These may differ from what other families believe. I’m not discussing that issue in this post.

      I simply wanted to encourage parents to open up the lines of communication with their kids. I realize how I presented the idea of “impure thoughts” could have easily been misunderstood. Thanks for pointing that out and clearing it up. I agree with you 100% that teaching them that it degrades and objectifies women is an excellent way to approach the subject. Thanks for your input!!

  4. Love this post! We have very similar rules for Clash of Clans at our house! It has been a great bonding opportunity for all of us because our kids are in a family friendly clan (we run) and we boot people who swear or speak about inappropriate things. It also lets our kids know that we are not just holding them to a higher standard, we also find it appropriate to expect others to share this common decency. And of course, now mom and dad are addicted and the kids have moved on! LOL

    I feel encouraged to purpose to have a better talk with my son about what he might have seen or been noticing. It is easier to talk to my girls, because I am one 🙂 I also find it just as challenging to approach the subject with love toward men. Sometimes the ways in which women are objectified leaves bad impressions. This is a good reminder to give grace and remember they are wired that way for a reason… LOVE this “just like he designed tulips for spring and snowflakes for winter, He designed sexual experiences for marriage” Great point! 🙂

  5. Awesome post Marti. Thanks for sharing. This topic needs much attention with our sons. With mine, I always fear that if I ask too many questions and he hasn’t seen or looked at certain things, then I just peaked his curiosity. He is currently not allowed to use Internet linked games yet and is homeschooled so his exposure is less then some. (I’m no dummy though. I know it’s still there.)
    But as we’ve kind of talked through it, I realize that as long as we are openly communicating, he knows he can come to is with his concerns. He’s really good at letting us know when he’s tempted, whether it’s by a tv show he comes across or some girl is walking in public wearing something innapropriate. It’s great to have that open communication.
    I would contend that our daughters need to be aware of this snare too. In youth ministry, I have heard enough stories to know that a girl struggling with pornograghy may be more prevalent then I ever realized. The motivation may be different but is just as dangerous. (ie. Using pornography to find out what guys like, giving them a false understanding of what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.)
    Any way, thanks again for bringing up such a raw topic. It isn’t pretty, but very necessary for our kids to be aware of.

  6. thanks for the post! my son is still young and i grew up in a home of all girls and I’m struggling with the correct wording not at this stage yet as my son is still very young. Do you have any other blogs about talking with young boys?

    • Melissa, I don’t have any other blogs to refer you to. Sorry! However, from experience, talking about your son’s body with him at an early age is a good start. Teaching him to respect his body and privacy is probably a crucial step toward his respect of others’ bodies. We’ve always used correct terminology about their body parts to avoid any confusion with them later on in life. You have to trust your instinct with this. I firmly believe as mothers and fathers we’re equipped with a certain sense to know how to talk to our kids about such topics. As a Christian, I believe we can also ask for guidance from the One who created us. The biggest hurdle in my life has just been getting the topic out in the open. Blessings and best wishes as you walk this journey with your son!

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