My husband and I have been married close to nine years. I would say we have a healthy and
happy marriage. We work really well as a team, we know how to communicate and know when we need space, we have fairly regular date nights and we are striving to understand the evolution of marriage with parenthood. We have our good and bad days, of course, but through changing jobs, finishing school, having trouble conceiving, losing family members, and raising twins, I would say we have managed quite well.
Why do I still fear that our marriage will fail? Perhaps I should stop watching films such as This is 40. Perhaps the statistics fill me with uncertainty. Perhaps I have heard one too many stories of couples breaking up after years of what seemed like perfectly happy marriages. I wish I could explain when these doubts started creeping into my mind or what invited them. Maybe sharing these unwelcome thoughts and my action plans to evict them will help.
My husband will get bored with me.
I am afraid I will get so wrapped up driving kids around, helping with homework, volunteering at school, etc. that I will no longer be the person he married. Right now we have the opportunity for fairly regular date nights, but I know those times will lessen as the kids get a little older and more involved in sports and other activities.
Action plan: Know that there are times he may be a little tired of the monotonous routines, but that does not mean he thinks I am boring. Stop taking everything so personally. Try to change things up when possible, even if that means trying new recipes.
We will lose our spark.
I dread that we will end up sleeping in separate beds or rooms and not even caring. That may seem extreme, and I again need to ignore things I see in movies, but it is a valid concern in some form or fashion. I hold other little hands when going out to dinner and check out of conversations as soon as a little voice needs help cutting dinner or picking up a dropped napkin.
Action plan: Make time to look him in the eye when he speaks and be engaged. Hold his hand. Put down the phone/tablet. Place little love notes in his briefcase or next to his morning coffee. Tell him you love him and not just out of habit. Get nostalgic…go to places you went when you were dating or newly married; look through old pictures, etc. We were engaged at Lakeside Park and go there frequently for picnics and pictures. Being there brings back the butterflies I felt nearly 10 years ago when he dropped to one knee.
My husband will no longer find me attractive.
I really hate feeling this way, but there are days when I can’t help but feel a little fatter, a little older and just less attractive. Then we go out and I make the ultimate mistake of comparing myself to someone thinner and younger.
Action plan: Love yourself. See yourself through the eyes of your husband and respect his opinion of you. Remember that there is so much more not reflected in that mirror. Stop being so hard on yourself (especially for your daughter). Make yourself feel better by going for a walk, getting a blowout or manicure, or doing a little retail therapy J Put a little lipstick on when you hear him drive up in the evening.
We will not have anything left between us once our kids are gone.
Will we know all there is to know about each other and have nothing to talk about? Will we know each other at all by then? What if we don’t like each other anymore…these older, boring versions of the young couple once so in love? I am afraid of being bitter, neglected, and neglectful.
Action plan:
I often hear people say (and I have said it too), that they can’t remember what they did before kids. Maybe this is part of the problem…don’t forget those people who were so fun and totally in love or what they liked and did together. We are still those people with some shifting priorities and many more responsibilities.
Look to people who have been married for decades longer than we have, like my sweet 
grandparents. They will be married 60 years this year. My grandfather still calls my grandmother “babe” and he pats her bottom as she passes his chair on the way to the kitchen. Find these examples, study them and ask questions. I guarantee they had hard times too and can give some great advice.
What about you? What are you afraid of and how do you overcome your marriage fears?
Thank you for sharing your insecurities – and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one! We will celebrate our 15th anniversary next month (we got married young), and I still wonder if our marriage will last. Not that we have many fights or struggles, but like you said, you see marriages that just seem to end after 20+ years… and one can’t help but wonder why. I mean, this year, my aunt and uncle divorced after 20 years. What?!?! Granted, I don’t know the whys or what their daily life was like… but it shakes my faith every time I hear about a long marriage ending.
We don’t have any children (by choice) and it’s still hard to connect. Life gets in the way… work, family, bills, friends, etc. and the routines sink in. I wonder if I’m still attractive to my husband and am I interesting to him? We don’t share hobbies or friends, so it’s easy to drift. Well, we do enjoy football together – which he patiently taught me over the years, and now I do enjoy it – and I enjoy knowing it gives us something to discuss.
Thankfully, his parents are wonderful role models – in marriage and in life. I’m thankful for their influence raising him and even today. They are strong in faith, in character, in love -and I think by having them as examples, it also helps us to remember that there are couples that stick with each other.
Your action plans all make sense – and I hope you can hold on to the connection with your husband. It’s not easy. And it’s a daily commitment to love, tolerate, compromise, forgive, laugh, and live together.