Now that our little girl – our second child – is 7 months old, I think it’s time for me to admit it: I am the parent of not one, but two high needs children. It wasn’t until just this month that I was even aware of the term “high needs”. Thank you to my husband for finding Dr. Sears’ description online and sending it to me on one of our more frustrating days.
As a first time mom, by the time my son was 6 months old I started to worry that I was doing something wrong, or that my working full time was causing him to be more “difficult” than his peers. By the time he was a year old, I had decided this was just his personality. Here are some of the attributes of a high needs baby that applied to him and now to his sister:
- constant need for attention that was greater when he wasn’t feeling well
- sleeping less than other children, and especially when he didn’t feel well
- waking more and more at night as he grew, instead of less
- “cry it out” doesn’t work because he is endlessly persistent in wanting attention
- hated riding in the car until 4 months old
- “intense” personality – very loud whether happy or sad, very dramatic about ups and downs
- resisted scheduling, ran on own internal schedule which sometimes required eating every hour and sometimes not for 4-5 hours
Just reading all these articles that so accurately describe my children makes me feel better. I know I’m not alone, even though I do not personally know any other mothers with high needs babies.
I used to blame myself for my high needs children, wondering what I could have done to make my kids so unusual. Then I remember who their parents are. My husband and I definitely have our own quirks. It’s really not surprising when I look at it like that.
If you have a high needs baby too, the good news is that they can become really charming little toddlers. Now that he is able to communicate with us, my son is so sparkly and fun. He says hilarious things and is very charismatic. So hang in there!
If you have a high needs baby too, I’d love to hear from you. Share your experiences in the comments!
.
My sister’s sister-in-law had a very high need baby. The stories she would tell were ridiculous and hilarious. That child demanded ALL her attention and then some!! And she NEVER slept, in fact, she has now been diagnosed with insomnia. BUT she is the cutest and most entertaining little girl. She says the best things and has the best stories. Their household is never boring and she brings them so much joy!
My first baby was certainly “high needs”! She was born with a cleft palate, which required using a special squeeze bottle to feed her. On top of her medical needs, she was highly active, never slept, wanted to be carried constantly, and seemed to need constant attention. At nine years old, she still doesn’t want to sleep, but she’s grown into an intelligent, funny, and energetic little girl. It does get better! Until the next phase… 🙂
As a 1st time mother of a high needs baby I am constantly searching the internet for things that will tell me “It gets better…” I have been able to accept that we have a high needs baby but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m so emotionally drained and it’s really hard to think of doing this week after week. My LO is going to be 3 months next week. I look forward to months 4 & 5 because some say that it may get better then, but at the same time I am also dreading the possibility that it won’t! I feel like I’ve lost my livelihood entirely. I’m definitely not the same person (almost at all). I want time to fly, but know that I sound terrible for saying that. I’m supposed to cherish every moment of the early months, and don’t get me wrong there’s lots that I love about Motherhood, but in reality I feel like I’m just buying time. I can’t wait to be the mother that says – yeah our baby was high needs, and I came out on the other side to tell about it.
I can’t say either of my babies have gotten “better”, but the needs change as it goes on, so that helps. The #1 thing that helps me is to make sure I take breaks occasionally. Even though I know my daughter is going to scream when my husband takes her while I go to the store or get my hair done, I do it anyway. Because it helps SOO much! And I know that even though she is mad, she is OK. Breaks are important!
Hi Jenny. I just have to share with you that I understand all that you are saying/feeling. My now 3 year old Allie was an exhausting high-needs baby. I did not leave the house much for 4 months! The only thing that got me through was Dr. Sear’s “The Fussy Baby Book,” although by nine months I was so worn down that I had to let her “cry it out” a bit so she could learn to put herself back to sleep (Dr. Sears would not agree with this). Things got much better once we were all getting more rest, but she is still the poster child for the super sensitive high needs child. I was so worried that things would only get worse as a toddler–the crying, the unpredictability, the inability to take her in large crowds, etc. But I am that mom that never thought would be able to come out on the other side, happy to report that my formerly VERY fussy baby is now amazing. Even my mother in-law always says what a happy child she is. Don’t get me wrong, she is still sensitive, maybe cries a little easier than other kids and is most comfortable with her family and friends. But she is also the toddler that will sit quietly during an entire church sermon (okay, so we tried the church daycare a couple of times and she was just so sad after, I will wait until she is a little older for that), and also play with her little friends with tremendous energy. Trust me–the toddler years are SO much better than those early years. While my friends of easy babies struggle with the toddler years, we are thoroughly enjoying them. Maybe thins just balance out somewhere since we didn’t get to enjoy the first year too much. Hang in there…you will be one of those parents who comes out on the other side. I never thought I would be one…Oh, and she was the easiest potty trainer ever! Go figure!
Hi,
Its so nice to hear there are other mothers out there like me and I’m not alone, I gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy (my 1st) at home on the 7 Aug 2011 I was truely excited to have a little person in my house, he was fine for 1 and half weeks and then things changed ( he was lactose intolerant so I had to give up breast feeding) I thought this was the issue but this was first of many things I couldn’t explain, he wasn’t happy like other babies his age. After searching and trying to figure out what was wrong with him I came across Dr Sears criteria for a high-needs baby and all the 12 points matched Jordan to a tee. I am not coping at all. He used to sleep okay but has got worse and worse the older he has gotten (He might sleep 2 hrs during the day and 8 – 10 hrs split up a night) I feel like I have a faulty son. I wish sometimes I had never had a baby, I am desperate for any advice on what to do for him
I live in South Africa and most people I mention this to don’t believe a word I’m saying.
Thanks in advance
Natalie
Desperate in SA
Hi Natalie! You are definitely not alone. Sometimes it can make us a little crazy!
With my second high needs baby, I was able to let go of thinking that either the baby or I “should” be sleeping more. I realized it was OK that my baby doesn’t sleep, she doesn’t need as much sleep as other babies. I also came to realize that she is going to be upset sometimes because she is just very high drama, but that sometimes when she is clean, fed, warm, and safe, I don’t always need to try and find a solution for her crying. Sometimes she is just going to cry because she is tempered that way. It is OK for me to leave her with her dad, crying, and go to the store by myself or meet a friend.
I even worked with the childcare workers at my church and our Mother’s Day Out program to help get her accustomed to staying in childcare without me so that I could do bible study or get a break. I got paged and called to pick her up multiple times until eventually she got used to it, and now she is all smiles when I come pick her up (most of the time). And the break makes a HUGE difference for me!
I would also suggest checking out these posts on postpartum anxiety from my friend Jill at BabyRabies.com to make sure that isn’t a contributing factor to some of your anxiety. I don’t think I had postpartum anxiety myself but I do think that sleep deprivation has caused similar symptoms for me, as I recognized almost all the symptoms she described as how I feel when I am the most sleep deprived.
Feel free to email me if I can help in any way!!
Hi Jenny,
Would love to email u to ask a few more #’s, where would I find u’re email addy
I had another terrible night
Natalie
I’m not alone! My super high needs baby boy is driving me crazy. I love him to death but I’m exhausted. I do everything I’m supposed to and still can’t seem to keep him satisfied.