Avoiding the Communication Rut

Do you and your husband talk? I mean, really talk about things other than sinking calendars? It’s harder than it sounds.

I was watching Up All Night last week, and I related to the subject matter as I do almost every week. This particular episode focused on communication, or rather the inability to communicate with one another. The couple realized they had nothing to talk about when the TV suddenly turned off. They also realized they had to make room to actually sit at the dining room table, which really made me laugh. The fact that a sitcom was devoting an episode of television to this communication breakdown made me realize I’m not alone and the idea of a post was born.

When my husband and I were in pre-marital counseling, the overall theme was to always make time for each other, especially once we had kids. The message definitely made an impression, though making time for each other and putting our relationship first can take some effort on both parts.

The Pact

When we were expecting our twins (who are now 2.5), we made a pact to spend one hour a week with no TV, cell phones or computers. The conversation could not include anything about our children, schedules, budgets, work or to-do lists. One hour of communication a week with your other half may not seem significant, but can you think of a conversation you and your spouse had lately that were within these guidelines?

During the newborn/infant phase, we had to talk outside. It was the only way I could relax so I wouldn’t see unfolded laundry, dirty dishes, unopened mail, etc. More important, it was the only way I could stay awake if sitting for an hour.  Even now sitting outside, enjoying a glass of wine with my sweet children sound asleep is my favorite kind of date night.  It sounds simple, but that’s the beauty of it. We don’t have to schedule a night with a sitter and reservation.

Finding Time

If you can’t schedule a date night or find time in the evening at home, try meeting for breakfast or lunch. My husband and I work outside the home, so we try to meet for lunch from time to time. It is so fun seeing him in the middle of the day when we can eat slowly and not be focused on food being thrown or milk being spilled.

What to Say

Now that you have made this time for each other, what in world are you going to talk about that doesn’t include the very things that consume your life?

In the same episode of Up All Night, the wife got busted by her husband for prepping for dinner conversation. She was reading note cards under the table.  Confession: I often prep for conversations, and I sometimes jot down some topics. Let’s be honest, it’s the only way I’ll remember.

• Hobbies. I like to run and my husband likes to golf. We talk about marathon courses on my wish list and golf courses on his. This often leads to fun vacations we’d like to take some day.
• Magazines. I will glance at the cover of my husband’s new Rolling Stones magazine and ask him questions about the articles. He’ll ask me about Real Simple or my CPA journal (when he’s really reaching J)
• Talk radio. Listening to topics on different talk radio stations will provide endless talking points. If your guy is a sports fan, I highly recommend flipping the dial to 1310 the Ticket for some entertaining sports talk.
• News. I don’t love the news (ignorance is bliss, right?), but glancing through top stories on Yahoo news will keep you informed and get you talking.

Thinking of what to talk about is not the hard part, it is setting aside time to really connect when you’d rather be crossing things off your never-ending to-do list. We have endless options to communicate with one another whether it’s email, text, or social media, but in my opinion, there is nothing better than a great face-to-face conversation.