Stuck in the Middle :: 7 Ways for Moms in the Sandwich Generation to Reduce the Stress of Caregiving

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I never imagined I would be caring for an elderly parent and three small children at the same time. And I certainly never anticipated how much stress, anxiety, and guilt it would cause me. My children need me, my husband needs me, my father needs me … and some days it is just too much.

Mothers in the “sandwich generation” (between the ages of 35 and 54 who are simultaneously caring for children and aging parents) feel more stress than any other age group, according to the American Psychological Association.

I for one can agree firsthand with this assessment.

This stress impacts all aspects of life – relationships with our spouses and children, emotional well-being, and ultimately, our health.

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Mothers in the “sandwich generation” are simultaneously caring for children and aging parents – talk about stress!

We can all agree that caring for children is hard enough on its own, but caring for a parent at the same time can cause extra stress and even depression; Numerous contributing factors include increased financial burden, feeling torn between caring for the children and the parent and managing all the extra duties that come along with caring for someone elderly (who is also your parent).

Mothers who are “sandwiched” between parents and children often take on the bulk of the caregiving responsibilities and usually are not prepared for this role, according to a 2008 study of social workers. Most of the moms in the study were also unaware of the resources available to help them with their daily caregiving roles.

You are not alone if you’ve found yourself exhausted from being “sandwiched.”

Here are some ways to help you reduce the stress associated with the demands of being a caregiver.

7 Ways for Moms in the Sandwich Generation to Reduce the Stress of Caregiving

1. Breathe

Make time to relax and take a step back. If you have to, schedule daily and weekly downtime. Determine what priorities really need to be handled, and let some of the other stuff go.

2. Get physical

A regular exercise routine can really help reduce stress. It allows time for you to focus on yourself and work towards improving your own health. Take a group exercise class or put on some headphones with your favorite tunes and work out at your own pace (walking, jogging, lifting weights, etc.)

3. Say “yes” to help, and don’t forget to ask for it!

If you have siblings, be sure to include them and ask them for help when you need it. It could be something as simple as bringing you a meal or picking up something from the store for you. Every little bit helps. You can also reach out to church members, friends, and social workers.

4. Develop a care plan

Include your parent or elderly family member and ensure you understand their care goals and priorities. Also, involve the children in the planning process and allow their input, particularly if they will be sacrificing time, activities, and space due to your caregiving responsibilities.

5. Identify outside resources to help

Outside resources can really help alleviate stress. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) for information on local caregiving services. Available services usually include home health, laundry services, food preparation and delivery, driving services, and more.

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6. If resources allow, consider retaining an elder care attorney

Eldercare attorneys are very familiar with the laws, rights, benefits, and all things related to protecting the elderly. They can be a tremendous support and wealth of information during this time. These lawyers are also very useful in helping to prepare for end-of-life care and considerations.

7. Guard your relationships with your spouse and children

This is important. Family relationships can really suffer when children and spouses feel they are being ignored. Moms can also become overwhelmed with guilt from being torn away from their families in order to care for their parents. Be sure to make special time for your family and schedule periodic date nights with your spouse.

Resources for Caregivers

The sandwich generation phenomenon is not likely to end any time soon, especially since many children are living with their parents longer, women are waiting until later in life to have children, and life expectancies are longer. It is important for moms in this role to know how to get help and how to cope before becoming overwhelmed.

Hospitals, advocacy groups, and other organizations have free Planner’s Toolkits you can download on their website to help you through this journey. These resources not only honor and celebrate the dedication of caregivers but also raise awareness and support for the sandwich generation caregivers.

Are you a mom in the sandwich generation who has taken on a caregiver role? How do you cope and what resources have helped you?

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Alexa Bigwarfe
Alexa Bigwarfe is a mother to 3 wildlings who keep her on her toes. She is an advocate, activist, speaker, author & author coach, publisher, and podcaster. Her writing career began after her infant daughter passed away at 2 days old and she turned to writing for healing. Since then, she has used her writing platform for advocacy and activism to support mothers, children, and marginalized voices. She began a nonprofit, Sunshine After the Storm, to provide support, care, healing retreats, and grief recovery to mothers in their most difficult time. She is the creator and co-host of the Lose the Cape podcast, which features moms working to make a difference in their children's lives and has co-authored and published four volumes under the Lose the Cape brand. Her primary business is Write|Publish|Sell, a company dedicated to shepherding authors through the massive process of writing and publishing their books like a pro. She owns her own publishing house, Kat Biggie Press, and a children's book publishing company, Purple Butterfly Press - both dedicated to bringing stories of hope, inspiration, encouragement, and girl-power to the world. Learn more at alexabigwarfe.com.

7 COMMENTS

  1. Thanks for mentioning Area Agencies on Aging. My mom works for one in Illinois, and they can do so much to help elderly and caregivers. Mom is a Medicare specialist for her agency, and she’s able to help so many people with the enrollment process – other agencies may have similar services.

    I am not dealing with this yet, as my parents are only in their 60s and in good health, but it’s going to happen and I am nervous, particularly because they are so far away. My brother lives closer to them but still a few hours away. We’re trying to have conversations now so we are ready if there’s an emergency, but it’s hard to know what to anticipate.

    • Yes, exactly! I didn’t expect to be dealing with this now – my dad is still relatively young. He had his stroke in his late 60s and had been in decent health before then. I think it’s great you are already having conversations.

  2. Fantastic post, Alexa! It is so stressful. I’ve had camp and sports practice drop off for my kids this week (as well as…you know…making their meals etc) and also having to take my in-laws to three different appointments. It just hits you hard. On the one hand I am so happy that I’m here to be helpful, but on the other hand, it just piles a lot more on my plate. Frankly, I don’t even have to do that much yet, but it’s only going to be getting more time consuming as they get older.

    I’m glad you’ve given these great tips and started a conversation about it. It’s such an important topic!!

    • Yes, it really is. I was pretty astonished when I started reading some of the articles about how stressed moms are, in particular, because of everything that goes along with raising kids, and then also having to care for parents. I was so glad to see some of these resources and help. We have implemented several. In fact, we’ve been having problems with my dad getting his pills mixed up (even though I go over and sort them for him in a daily pill organizer) – so I learned from one of these sites that you can rent a 30 day pill machine. You load it up for the month, and in the morning and at night it will sound a reminder alarm and will dispense exactly what he needs. How cool is that??? And relieves so much stress. You wouldn’t believe how many conversations my sisters and I have over my dad’s pills!

  3. This is great advice, Alexa. It seems #3 and #5 are especially important. The stress of being a caregiver to children and parents can really take its toll. Yet I’ve seen people just try and do it all alone.

    • You should see how stressed out one of my sister’s gets with helping to take care of my dad, and she doesn’t even have kids to look after as well! I’m just really lucky I have 3 sisters to share the burden with. I can’t imagine how incredibly overwhelming it could get. Help is out there!!!

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