I remember being pregnant and feeling my baby move for the first time. It happened to be Mother’s Day. It was such a special and touching moment that I always feel that was my son’s way of telling me Happy Mothers Day that year. This happened at a moment when I was with my own mother celebrating Mothers Day. If you know my family, you know that the relationship between me and my mom has always been rocky.
I was a young child who was spoiled with so much love that when my mom had to go to work to take care of our family, I resented her. It’s sad to say now, but I deeply resented her and made it a point to show her how angry I was. I know now that wasn’t nice of me and that, yes, she had to work. There was no other choice for her, but in my mind (a child’s mind) I only saw a mother who wasn’t spending time with me. Who wasn’t picking me up from school and attending all my events like the other kids’ mothers. I didn’t see my mom as one who worked hard so we could have a place to live and food on the table. The mom who got home so tired she didn’t just not have time for me, but she also had no time for herself. And I know now that I should have seen it sooner, but I was so set in my mind with an image of her that nothing was shaking it.
Nothing changed my mind until I had a child of my own. When that munchkin of mine moved in my belly I was changed. I was a different person. When my son was born my mom, who was in the room with me, showed him to me for the very first time. This little munchkin of mine taught me to love and cherish my own mother. He taught me to understand what it meant to be a mom. That being a mom meant putting your child first no matter what. He made me open my heart to her. He made me remember her words. The same ones she would tell me when I was mad at her, the ones she said that I wouldn’t understand her until I was a mother of my own. To which I would say never in a million years would I have a child and that I would never be like her. How bad I feel now for my harsh words. My mom would tell me, “Dont promise me anything! Promises are not worth it. Just do what you are supposed to do!”
I now deal with this same scenario every day. There comes a point after the tenth time your kiddo tells you, “I promise I won’t do it again!” that you just want to pull your hair out! There are more situations in which I sound like my mom every day and it scares me! From the way I get when my kiddo is sprinting off and being his accident prone self (just like me who drove my mom crazy with how many times I ended up in the ER) to the way I get when the subject of my son’s education comes up in conversation.
Yes, it terrifies me that I am becoming my mother! And while I know I am not REALLY becoming her I have to stop and think about how bad that might really be. She raised me and taught me good values and morals and I turned out ok. So how bad could that really be?
While our relationship is still a bit rocky, I can honestly say that my heart loves my mother more each day. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I could take could take back all the anger I had. That I hadn’t lost so many years in anger instead of love. I hope and I pray that as the years go by I show my son the love I have for him and that if I ever miss an event or am not there for dinner, he knows that my actions are those of love and sacrifice for him. That he knows my love for him always and that it doesn’t take him becoming a father for him to understand me. That we will always have a loving and close relationship that is made with clear communication so that mistakes (like the ones I’ve committed) won’t be repeated in a new cycle.
As I sit here writing this I cant help but get teary eyed at all my mistakes and wanted to share this with all you mothers out there. To look at the relationships you have with your child and relate them to your own with your parents. To learn from their mistakes or from their triumphs. To create a healthy line of communication and stop that saying from going around: that you will understand your parents when you become one. Because if it has to take that long, then by then you’ve wasted too many precious years you can never get back.
